She's "That" girl

We all have that friend who says and does stupid shit when he/she is drunk. or sober. It doesn't really matter. This person will say or do something stupid at any given moment, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

My friend like this tells stories about her self that would make you want to walk backwards slowly, and then out of no where turn around and sprint away from her. She will tell you the most horrid story about the time she kicked the shit out of her boyfriend, broke her own kitchen table in the street, sat the parts of the table on his car, got handcuffed, and sent the guy to jail for having a warrant all in one night. She tells this story like its funny. And she tells it to guys. Guys that she is trying to date. They look at me with worried eyes, so I just say, "Hey buddy, just dont cheat on her, ignore her, forget to call her, tell her you have had girlfriends in the past, or fart wrong and you're all good." She always thinks I'm joking, but I'm not. The bitch is crazy. She's one of those people that make you feel great about yourself. Sometimes I need a small reminder.

She has told this story to one of my guy friends before and he was like, "Ok, not only would I like for you to stop telling me this story, but also I would like to post your picture on the news and tell every man in America to run in the other direction if he spots you."

She thought it was funny. I would cry. If I was her (thank God I'm not), I would have punched him in the right eye, kicked him in the left knee cap, and walked away all gangster-boo like. But she's lacking in brain cells so she just laughed and laughed and told another dumb ass story about the time she punched some fat girl at a party. Blah.

This weekend, she went out to eat with me, Lauren, and my friend Kaylie. Our waiter was a pretty good looking guy, so she hit on him. She did this in the most disgusting way I have ever seen a person hit on anyone in my life. She said,"You're hot. I don't wear underwear. Wanna show me the nearest bathroom?" Seriously?

I think my IQ dropped...and I gagged. Oh, and the waiter looked at her like she was a retard.


It was at this same place that I had a brand new experience (aside from my friend making an ass of her self). For the very first time in my life, I had a drink sent over to me. When I asked who it was from, the waiter pointed the man out and said, "The owner of the place." So, the man was a good 20 years older than me, but it was still kind of cool.

Don't eat with your mouth open,
B

Duracell has the new Coppertop!

Have you ever bonged a beer out of something that resembled one of those scrunchy straws? I guess it couldn't really be compared to a beer bong because it was more of a tube with lots of ridges that made the bonging process last about a minute longer than it should. It takes an estimated time of 5-10 seconds (depending on how bad ass you are) to bong a beer out of a normal bong. This one gave me a brain freeze that lasted for a good 30 seconds. Can you imagine the look on my face? Not pretty.

My friday night started at about 8:00 with a quick round of bowling, and it ended with me asleep on a very uncomfortable white leather couch with a horrid floral blanket. In between that time I played dominoes (won that), ring of fire (made a really funny rule-you couldn't look at me), and Texas Hole 'Em (lost-really bad, hence the bonging of beer, okay 4 beers).

You know how the pro poker players wear a hat and glasses? Well, me being me, my poker apparel was a sombrero and aviators. Yes, i know. The people who write for Vogue wanted me on the cover. I said no because I don't want people to recongnize me on the streets and ask for my autograph.

I went to sleep around three in the morning. I guess a new party started after I had fallin asleep. I woke up the next morning with a rose next to me. Apparently, some guy thought I was a pretty sleeper and felt the need to give me the gift of a plush rose. How,uh, nice.

Later that day, I was driving home (yeah, i know. That wasn't a broad sentece at all). I was actually following my friends Ashley and Lauren. We were merging onto the highway when some crazy gangster nearly ran me off the road. He was in a lime green sparkling caddy with spoked rims. He spent more on his paint job and rims than the actual car. I could only tell because the car looked like someone had taken a sledge hammer to it, or maybe blew it up a couple times and super glued it back together in like 4.3 seconds. Maybe they used some tape and bubble gum, too.

Saturday pretty much sucked the largest weiner known to man kind. I spent around 8 hours baby sitting the smaller version satan, eating cupcakes, and watching back to back episodes of Next and Room Raiders on MTV. I decided that if I was on Next and the guy who was trying me out for size was weird or not cute, I would next myself. And if I were on Room Raiders, I would not be picked. First of all, my room is a disgusting color of pink and i have a really scary doll in there that even frightens me. My room was not decorated by me, but by my grandmother who decided to put all of her glass angels and dogs in there. The room raider would think I was a freak. I also have about a million formal dresses in that room. So he would think I was a freaky girl who liked to wear formals every day. That's not the case, I swear. I only prance around in my formals every other Thursday afteernoon, and sometimes on Sunday. That's it.

I also got hit in the face with a metal toy car by the kid I was baby sitting. He caused me to pull a muscle while jumping over him to avoid getting hit by some unknown object that he had created in his room, too. I'm pretty sure he is going to be smart enough to build a nuclear bomb by the age of 5 and we will all be screwed. Build your bomb shelters this weekend.

So, here is what I learned this weekend:

• get better at poker
• stay away from sombreros
• stay clear of falling asleep on leather couches
• dont give kids cupcakes(sugar high=hitler like personality)
• dont leave them in their room by themselves
• dont hold metal objects near your face
• my friend ashley got called a Dune Coon (cause shes Persian), I didn't really learn that, I just thought it was funny

That's about it. I now have less brain cells than I did on Thursday. Go me.

Love thy neighbor,

Brittany

Screw you question asker!

Myspace. Why is it like a drug? Why do I feel the need to check it more than 2 times a day? And why in the fuck do people waste their time creating bull-shit surveys that are worthless and irrelevent to the world? Here are some examples:

1.) What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you found out that you were on cocaine? Well, I would ask myself two things. One, how did I fall asleep while I was amped up on coke? Second, how drunk was I? Oh and one more, why am I even thinking about what I would do if I woke up and found out I was on cocaine? How would I even find this out? Would I give myself a drug test at random? Hey, its a beautiful day. I'm just going to give myself a pee test. Who really needs to know? That was a lot of questions. Sorry.

2.) If you had to be an animal for one day, what would you want to be? Why exactly would I have to be an animal? I can't answer this question because I wouldn't want to be an animal for any amount of time. ever. What if I chose rabbit and I got eaten by a dog? How much fun would that be, really? Idiot.

3.)Name one OBVIOUS quality that you have. Uhm, if it's obvious then why do I have to name it? Does it not have a name already? It's obvious that I am a bitch. Do I re-name it? If thats the case then I would just call it Brittany. My obvious quality is that I'm Brittany the Bitch and I hate you for asking this retarded question. It's kinda like when Bush said, "It's gotta be a budget, theres digits in it." I hate redundance.

4.) Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Really? No, seriously? Why is this relevent to anyone? No, I have not hurt myself on purpose. I have the worst pain tolerance, ever. I mean, i do have my nose and my belly button pierced, but those didnt hurt. Shit, now im confused.

5.) Say something totally random about you. Just something? Totally random? Ok, uh, I hate people who ask stupid questions. I hate you. Are you a child's therapist? Are you trying to get me to connect with my inner child? I don't want to reconnect with my inner child. I'm past that. So what, I was mean to people in Elementary school. I mean to people now. It's a vicious cycle, deal with it.

6.) Do you ever watch MTV? MTV pisses me off just as much as these questions. Where the fuck did the music go? Is there such thing as music anymore? Oh wait no, the new music is men with black hair and eyeliner singing shit like:

Slit my wrist/she left me/I hate the world/My dad beat me with a rake/I cry every day/My emotions are so strong/ slit my wrist again/ slitty slit jab jab/ Now i'm dead/ how sad/ No one will be at my funeral cause I am worthless/ I'm crying in my grave/ My grave of emotion/So emo/ I hate you

7.)What is something that really annoys you? This question. enough said.

8.)Do you like Michael Jackson? Do you like it when people jab you in the eye with a screw driver? I do know the dance to Thriller.

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I just had to get this out. Surveys are dumb.

because I can,
B

Apparently Myspace is life....

"J" has gone from just an ex-boyfriend to a complete FREAK. How does this happen?
After I wrote my last post, I got on Myspace and deleted him off of my friends list. No, not because I'm a bitch. Ok, yes because I'm a bitch, but also because there really wasn't any reason for him to be on there anymore. It was quick and painless. I just didn't want to see his stupid smiling psycho face anymore. I find nothing wrong with that.

It wasn't but two hours after I deleted him that I got a phone call. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hello?
J: Hey.
Me: What do you want?
J: Did you delete me off of myspace?
Me: uh-huh
J: So we can't even be friends?
Me: No.
J: But, I'm friends with all my ex girlfriends.
Me: Obviously not.
J: So you don't even want to talk to me?
Me: I have no reason to want to talk to you. I broke up with you. If I break up with you then it's obvious that I don't want to talk to you. If I wanted to keep talking to you, I would just keep being your girlfriend you EFFING IDIOT. ( i didn't say the effing idiot part)
J: I hate this.
Me: YEAH. ME TOO. blah blah blah effe off!

So, that was basically the phone conversation. I can't figure out if he's just stupid, or if I need to move to another state. Maybe it's just these Oklahoma boys. Oklahoma effing sucks.
After that I got text messages. about 10 to be exact. After the first one I just stopped reading them and deleted them on the spot. All he really said was that I was acting like I was in high school. I don't know how he came up with that one, but whatever.

It's sad how he took getting broken up with and getting deleted off of myspace the same way. I felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Not something you really want to do twice. I think he got the idea now, though. I got a couple of hate messages from some girls on myspace, but whatever. haha. I'm not exactly frightened by hostile messages on myspace. Something about "OMG u are such a stupid bitch 4 breakin up with J--," doesn't phase me. Funny how he sends me a message that says, "Well. I'm dating other girls. So do what you want."

Dear Lord,

Please help "J." You forgot to give him a brain and balls. If you could give him one or the other that would be great. Also, help him to just get over me and convince him to delete my number off of his phone. You're the best!

Amen

Anyway, I have decided not to delete this template. I like how annoying it is. :)

It happens every time..

so. "J" turned creepy on me just like every guy i date does. i wonder if it's my fault, but the more i think about it the more i am convinced that it really is them; not me. i can't help it that every guy i date turns out to be more of a girl than i am. i can't help it if they have more emotion and are more needy than i. it's not my fault. these are things i am just going to keep telling myself. i am not that bad of a girlfriend, i swear it. i only ask for a few simple things: As much Me Time as possible, no clinging on to me, and no telling me why you are upset because i didn't do this-that-or the other. is that really so much to ask? i didn't think so either.

he has called me once already and asked, "are we really broken up, or is this just a break?"
no dumbshit, i just broke up with you as a joke. we really aren't. IDIOT. now he has lowerd him self to writing a blog on Myspace. i'll let you read it because i'm evil and i have no heart. it is titled Always seems to be Wrong.

have you ever found someone that makes your heart race at just the chance at spending time with em...a person that you would do anything for if they ever needed you..some thats so different yet so much alike you that your differences are so small yet drive you nuts...when your willing to do anything to make it work, no matter how much it hurts, but nothing you seem to do is right...what would you do if everything you seem to do blows up in your face and you see you future with that someone fading away.

nothing so right has ever felt so wrong.

what i have come to realize is that he is a pathetic vagina. or maybe i am just a frigid bitch. feel free to give me your opinion. you see, i told him how i was before we even started dating. i told him the following:

• that dating to me is like a two year old with a toy. the more the two year old plays with the toy, the faster the two year old will get sick of it.
• that i don't care if i don't see him for multiple days in a row. there's a saying that goes, "distance makes the heart grow fonder." that has never proved itself true for me, but whatever. it sounds good.
• i'm not a phone person. so, please do not call me if you have nothing of interest to tell me. i will get annoyed. ask me if he did this anyway? yes. i had to listen to him breath many times. i also got 100 text messages a day.
• i'm very independant. i do not feel the need to tell you how much i like you.
• i also do not feel the need to hold hands, kiss, or hug you all the time.
• i will not "get in good" with your parents after one month.
• i will not "get in good" with your friends, either.

all of these things he just passed off as a joke. he acted like when i told him these things, i was really speaking chinese and not english. i'm pretty sure i can only speak english, and if i can speak another language well then, its new to me. i had to tell him to back off like 7 times, and he never did. it ended with me telling him that him just calling me pisses me off. even the thought of him began pissing me off when i learned that he talked to him self and made at least one strange noise. every. 30. seconds.

Warning:

i don't know many girls that are like me when it comes to dating. so to the guys that are reading this, don't take my advice on dating because i think i'm the only girl in the universe who feels this way. i know way too many girls who live every moment waiting on their boyfriends to call. i have seen friendships fade into a glimmer of light because they decided to spend all their time with their significant others instead of their friends, and you know what? that's totally fine. i'm just not that way, and i probably never will be.

i love you all,

B