Religion and Pizza Rolls.

A friend called yesterday afternoon:

Friend: What are you doing today?
Me: No plans really.
Friend: Well, I'm having White Trash Wednesday at my house. Come over.
Me: What the hell is White Trash Wednesday?
Friend: It's when you start drinking as early in the day as you can.
Me: I'll be there later.

I get to his house at about 6:00. Apparently, that wasn't white trash enough because he and his friend had started drinking at like 3:00 and had been playing that college football video game just as long. So, I'm there hangin out watching them play that stupid, stupid game for about 30 min, when they finally decided they had played long enough. Thank God. My friend decided we should play a card game, and his friend and I both agreed. Fuck The Dealer. Good game.

We weren't a card into the game when someone knocks on the door. My friend gets up and answers it. He's gone for about 20 min. He comes back in and his little sister is attatched to his leg. His mom is right behind him. Great. Apparently, its Mandala night.

"What the hell is that," you ask? Oh I will tell you what the hell it is.

You put in a CD of people making weird ass humming noises. You get used to hearing the humming sounds after a bit. You kind of tune it out, but then out of nowhere the humming stops and a voice tells you to imagine your self surrounded by purple light. While your listening to humming and a voice telling you to surround your self in purple light, you color. Yes, color. Like kindergarteners color. I guess it's supposed to be spiritual. I spent more time concentrating on coloring inside the lines then surrounding myself with purple light. I was not enlightened. Infact, if I have to color, please to make me listen to something that is not going to make me more bored and tired. Coloring, for me, wasn't even fun when I was little. It hasn't changed a bit.

Anyway, My friend's Mom, sister, and Mom's two friends were there for a long ass effing time. They were talking about aliens and other weird shit. I got my horoscope read to me. I was compared to Emilio Estavez (or how ever the hell you spell it). Needless to say, I didn't understand what my horoscope meant. My friend's Mom broke it down, but it still didn't register. Fuck it. These ladies were weird. However, according to my friend's Mom, Libras are cool as hell. That's my sign. For a brief moment I felt a little better, but the boredom set right back in after about 20 seconds.

And you know the hilarity of it all? My friend and his friend kept finding reasons to leave, and left me there with the Mandala Cult. I was just waiting for someone to come right on out and ask me what religion I was because all I heard from them as Buddah this and Agnostic that. I kept my mouth shut. Mostly because I didn't know what the hell to say, and if I had, I wouldn't have known what I was talking about.

The Mandala Cult left at about 10:00 or so. The drinking game continued, but not for long. The beer ran out, and the only thing left to entertain us as Eddy Izzard. He's a tranny comedian. He's funny ass hell, but for a gay man, he doesn't know how to dress at all. It wasn't long before my friend's friend passed out, but not before eating Kraft single slices of cheese with tortilla chips, mayonaise, and salsa. Sick, I know. My friend and I started talking. At first it was about nothing in particular, and then I said this, which pretty much fucked up the rest of the night, "I can't wait to go home and eat some pizza rolls."

This is how the conversation went the rest of the night (these aren't quotes):

Friend: Pizza rolls? That's disgusting. It's processed food. It's so bad for you.
Me: I really don't give a shit. They taste good. I will eat the hell out of some pizza rolls.
Friend: You don't even know what is in them.
Me: The same thing as a pizza. They have pizza sauce, cheese, and pepperoni (Idiot).
Friend: Do you eat cheese wiz?
Me: No. That's sick.
Friend: Well, it's pretty much the same thing.
Me: No, pizza rolls are not the same as cheese wiz. Pizza rolls do not come in a can, they come in a bag. And they do not taste like shit, they taste heavenly.
Friend: Well, I wont feel sorry for you when you get cancer from eating them.
Me: Seriously? (WHAT THE FUCK??????)
Friend: Yes.
Me: Are you seriosly judging me for what I eat?
Friend: I judge everyone on how they eat.
Me: What the hell gives you the right to do that?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: Well that settles that( dumbass).
Friend: Remember the other night when you asked me if I was a Christian?
Me: Yeah, and I asked because you made comments about Heaven not being real, and about how you don't like to be blessed after you sneeze (I'm just going to punch him after he sneezes now).
Friend: Well, did you know that asking a question is the same thing as accusing?
Me: How so?
Friend: Don't you think that if your dad asked you if you were a virgin he would be accusing you of not being one?
Me: No, I wouldn't think that. I would think he was just asking in hopes that I would be honest with him.
Friend: Wrong. He would be accusing you.
Me: Whatever. (Cause he would really know, right).
Friend: Why did you ask if I was a Christian?
Me: Because of the comments you made, and also out of curiosity.
Friend: I think you asked because of your beliefs.
Me: Not so much, no. I asked because I wanted to know.
Friend: But, if I had said that I wasn't a Christian you would have stopped talking to me.
Me: No, I'm not that kind of person. I'm not going to turn someone away because of what they believe. I don't have it in me to do that, and it's just wrong. Do you really think I'm like that?
Friend: Yeah. I think you're like that.
Me: Look at me. You have completely offended me. You told me I was going to get cancer from a fucking pizza roll, you put me in a metaphorical situation where my dad would be asking and accusing me of not being a virgin at the same time, and you told me, basically, that I was a judgemental Bible pusher. Judge this (Thats when i flipped him off).

After that, I grabbed my keys and purse and walked out the door.

I get a call about 5 minutes after I left. He was just telling me how sorry he was blah blah blah. He said he was drunk and probably wouldn't remember saying any of this tomorrow.

Great. That whole converstaion was a waste of damn time.

I got home 15 minutes later and heated up a huge amount of pizza rolls. I ate every single one, and then called him to tell him how good they were and then hung up.

Fun at the Fair

I saw lots of head-turning things, like a man with a short arm, a lady with no feet, a midget dressed like a ref, and a shirt that read, "Why did God make me black?"

The fair is one over-sized, smelly freak show. So, to make it somewhat entertaining, my friends and I took pictures with the people who we thought truly defined what a state fair should be.

• A janitor with every other tooth missing
• A group of mexican cowboys
  
• A man in a golf cart
• An old man
• A chick with a MASSIVE mohawk
• A group of skater/bike guys who wanted me to model for them. No was my answer.
• A lady who turned out to be deaf in a table cloth for a dress. Yes, it was hard trying to tell her that I wanted a picture with her. Talking louder doesn't make a difference when you can't hear at all.
  
• A group of guys in suit jackets. They were kinda hot.
• A guy sitting infront of a fountain.

Now, I'm probably forgeting some, but all in all, it was pretty hilarious. As soon as my friend uploads the pics I will post some.

I can't wait for my birthday.

I can't do this 18-to-enter-watch-your-very-under-age-friends-have-people-buy-them-drinks-and-make-asses-of-themselves-shit anymore. Honestly, I'm not going to be that person that buys my 19ish year old friends drinks. No jail time, or a very large ticket for me, thanks. And no, I'm not doing beer runs either.

I guess, when October 7th rolls around I will be spending most of my weekends with Mom and AuntieT (and her cute boy, too).

By the way, AuntieT, I am very happy that you have met a 6'3" hotty that treats you like a princess. I haven't met him, yet, I know. Though, I have this vision in my head, and I like this vision, so I hope I'm not let down when I see him. However, when I think of cute boys that I haven't seen I think no shirt, ripped abs, and a tight ass. Was that too much? Sorry. Oh, and I like that he has a younger brother. Is that bad? Mom says he's cute. At least, I think she did. I might have made that up.

I still don't have a clue as to what I am doing for my birthday. My options are limited seeing as how most of my friends are no where close to being able to step past that Must Be 21 To Past This Point sign. I can't wait to cross over that threshold. I hope there is a spot light on me. Little Britty will be all grows up--for the most part.

I wonder what my dad thinks about me turning 21. He'll probably shit his pants. My hopes are that he has a beer with me, but that might be a little too far fetched seeing as how I can count on one hand (maybe two) the times I've seen him with a beer.

And my grandparents. I wonder if they'll plead the blood over me. They'll most-likely remind me that God is always watching. You know, when I was little and they told me that God could always see me, I thought that by covering myself with a blanket I was forming a force-field around me. For no reason, really, other than the fact that I don't like the thought of someone always seeing me.

Giant poodles are Scary

Yesterday, starting around 4 o'clock and ending at about 8 was the weirdest most interesting 4 hours of my life--lately.

This guy that I'm kind of talking to asked me to hang out yesterday, so I did. I got to his house around 4 and we hung out there for a little bit. We couldn't figure anything out to do so we went on an adventure (not a Jameson kind of adventure)-- by adventure I mean: Best Buy, Starbucks, Barns and Noble, Target, Hefner lake, and a park.

Best Buy was cool. He bought Elizabeth town for us to watch later that night, and then we looked at big T.V.s, and played with a video game that had guitars instead of the reagular little things that you use to make the game go. I don't know what the hell they are, so I'm counting on you to just understand.

Starbucks and Barns and Noble-- Those two places are connected in the same building, so it was just one stop. I get out of "his" truck and got a huge surprise. When I'm all the way out and the door is shut, I'm face to face with a giant black poodle, and a little tiny chihuahua who were left by their owners in a large SUV. They are both barking loudly, and the poodle looks like it wants to eat me. I'm literally like Mission Impossible trying to slide across the length of his truck to get away cause these little shits are half way hanging out of the window. It was funny afterwards, but it had been funny to "him" the whole time.

When I was safe, he said, "Yeah, I thought I had lost you for a second." And then he decided that we should find a book about Giant Poodles when we got into the bookstore.

Starbucks. That was interesting. Walked in--everything was cool. People are sitting around reading and jabbering about whatever it is bookstore dwellers jab about. I follow "him" to the counter and made eye contact with something very shocking. I was standing face to face to a man with short hair, a pirate mustache and beard, blush, glittering eye shadow, black eyeliner, and very long eyelashes. I didn't let the shock show on my face because I have seen men like that before, but it was in places where I expected it. So, I smiled, I told Glittering Eye Man that I didn't want anything to drink, and I turned around. My heart was still pounding from the near face off encounter with the damn poodle, and now I'm left wondering why that man was better at doing make up than me.

A quick stroll across Starbucks, and we were in the bookstore where we head straight for the magazine racks. That was fun. Then we weren't really heading anywhere, but we ended up on the isle about Karma Sutra and guides on how to Get It On. I make a joke like, "Yeah, I already have all these so we can move a long." I began to wonder if he knew that was a joke, but by the time I was ready to confirm, we were on another isle about Chakras and Tarot cards. He told me that his Mom had all this stuff, and I made the face that says, "Oh. Cool." You know what I'm talking about. You lift your eye brows and widen your eyes (you're doing it now aren't you? Dork). I only make that face when I'm not quite sure what to say. Then, we end up on two different sides of a bookshelf. My side is religion, and his side is the New Age stuff. After a moment we switch sides and he pops right back out and says, "That side isn't for me." Again, I don't say anything. I just shrug my shoulders as if to say, "Oh well." When all along I was wondering why that side wasn't for him. I couldn't ask that thought, because I knew that I probably didn't want to know the answer. Not that any answer would have been a wrong answer. I just know my answer, and I had a feeling that his answer was completely different from mine. We got bored with all the books and decided to leave.

Our next stop was Target. I didn't really understand the point of Target being as it was kind of the same as the previous stores we had been to before, but once again I kept this thought to myself. It was quite a long walk considering he likes to park far away from the doors. That I did question, and he told me that it was because he liked to walk. This proves true later. Anyway, Target sucked. We walked around and looked at stuff like toasters and car cleaning supplies, both of which freaked me out because he was very interested in the toaster that toasts four pieces of bread at the same time, and the car stuff was just over-whelming because I haven't cleaned my car in for-fucking-ever.

The Lake. That was fun. We drove all the way around the lake just looking at it and talking. I thought it was fun because I like to look at pretty things (boys, clothes, lakes, etc). We parked in a parking lot and headed toward a bench that seemed to be about a mile away. Once we got to the bench we just sat there and watched people walk by with their dogs. We talked about things like how he was picky about clothes and stuff where as I was picky about food textures. It wasn't that interesting until the sun had finally set and we walked to the park where he told me there were always cops because gay men liked to fool around there. I kept the fact that I wanted to know why he knew that to myself. As a joke, I almost asked but remembered that he had gay friends so gay jokes probably aren't that funny to him. Unless, of course, they are made by him. I found the swings and sat down on one. I decided that the kid that was on there last must have been covered in ice cream because the chains were so sticky. I found I was correct when "He" looked behind me and saw a Braums ice cream cup on the ground. I was disgusted, so we walked the long distance back to the car.

That was the end of the end of the adventure because the last stop was his apartment/art studio where we watched the movie he bought at Best Buy.

Stay classy and thanks for stopping by,
B