Dear Ponca City,

I only write letters on here when I really hate something. So, you should know that I really hate you. By hate I mean loathe, and by loathe I mean that if I was president, your town would be non-existant. As my friend Kyra said, "I would tear down everything there and replace it with a huge dump yard. All the towns people would be my slaves." Is that legal you wonder? Well, no. Not yet. But, when I am president I will make it so that it is. You will cry, and then you will be no longer. I especially hate the wrestling moms your town is populated with. They are loud, they are mean, and they are effing retarded. One of them yelled out, "So, I guess the Bomber Magic is gone!" I had to retaliate, Ponca, I had to. I said, "But our Magic was amazing when we beat the shit out of you at Dual state!" And you know what? I'm glad I said it. In fact, I wish my words were bombs so that your wrestling moms would JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! And what is with that one lady carrying around a massive-ass goose (a fake one, thank God) just because her son has the last name Big Goose? Does she really have to shout "Sonny!" while the rest of the crowd follows with "Big Goose" over and over and over again as she holds the goose in the air? My God, I mean, I guess its sort of clever, but all I wanted to do the whole time was steal the goose, chop its head off, and throw it back at the mom. Maybe then she would shut up. Who even names their kid Sonny? That's just wrong. The man who sat behind me joined in on the chants a lot. He sounded like the "Clear Eyes" commercial guy, which really pissed me off. If you have a mono-tone voice you just shouldn't yell. I'm making that a law when I'm president, too. I'm really glad that I don't have to be around you anymore as it is my brothers senior year, but I promise that when I'm all grows-up and I have little wrestler boys and I see you--it's effing on. I will be the bitchiest wrestling mom ever. I'm already the bitchiest sister. Imagine how I'll be when I have annoying little shits of my own (kids). And if there are little Big Gooses running around, I am kicking them. That's really all I had to say. Congratulations on winning the state tournament--NOT.

--Brittany

And another one bites the dust...

I told you guys that I wasn't dating Ryan, right? Ok, well I'm still not, and here's why. Saturday he asked me to go to dinner with him and all his buddies for a birthday (I don't know whose birthday). I told him that I had plans and wouldn't be able to make it. He told me it was cool and to call him if things were to change. The next day I get the following text messages:

Him: So, I guess you shafted me last night.
Me: Too bad I didn't or that would be a logical assumption.
Him: Well, you didn't call me.
Me: I told you I had plans.
Him: But, I asked you to call if things changed.
Me: Things didn't change. I still had plans.
Him: Well, you don't think it's weird that you didn't call me the rest of the night?
Me: No.
Him: Did you hang out with your friends?
Me: Yes. Why?
Him: So then you did shaft me?
Me: No. I'm not going through this again.
Him: Ok, well I guess I'm just trippin.
Me: Yes, you are. Stop.
Him: Well, I'm still kind of mad.
Me: If you want to be mad, be mad.
Him: Are you mad?
Me: No.
Him: Ok, so we're cool?
Me: Yea...I guess.
Him: So, are we going out on Tuesday?
Me: What's Tuesday?
Him: Valentines day.
Me: I don't do Valentines day.

The messages pretty much stopped after that. Sorry, I'm anti-Valentines day. That just adds to the reasons why guys say I don't have a heart.

Dear boy from this weekend who told me I'm cold and heartless,

Leave me alone f*ck wad. I do have a heart. I just choose not to waste it on guys who would rather rely on their penis than their heart. So what, I shut you down--twice--in one night. You obviously weren't my type, or I would have gladly given you a chance. And no, coming up behind me and trying to dance with me will not help you out. I don't care if you can do the pelvic thrust or the weenie flop better than the next guy. Though, that would be a rather amusing dance off. Sorry if your heart or your ego was crushed. Get over it. Grow a penis. Find a slut.

Do The Kids dance,
Brittany

Help.Me.Lord.

This week has been the best birth control ever. In the past four days I have:

• been told that the space between my big toe and the rest of my toes is too wide.
• been pinched so hard that it turned into a bruise immediatly.
• had my foot licked.
• been attacked by the stupid cat (2 times).
• locked my self in the bathroom.
• been tackled out of no where.
• been told that my shirt is too short (it showed an inch of skin).
• been told that I use bad words ( I said butt).
• been told that my music is stupid (how is skynard stupid? these kids have no taste).
• been taken to Toys R Us.
• Wanted to pull my hair out.
• nearly crawled out of my skin.
• nearly had a nervous break down.
• heard every random banging noice in the world.
• been hypnotised by repetitive tapping.
• almost died in a car wreck because the kids would not SHUT THE HELL UP and were being distracting.
• have heard the word Mommy about 9384794793274893 times.
• smelled crap.
• smelled crap.
• smelled crap.
• smelled crap.

My aunt has 4 girls. 4 G-I-R-L-S. On top of that she home schools them. I would die. I would no longer exist. At the least I would be bald, and I would rock back and forth with drool streaming out of my mouth. I would be numbed by the screaming, crying, and farting. These kids fart more than any person I have ever met or heard of. Every minute or so you hear a little giggle followed by a 'scuse me. and then another 'scuse me. Followed by another until it just pisses you off and smells like crap.

I CAN'T WAIT TO COME HOME. I love these girls with my whole heart, but I am never staying for more than 2 days again. EVER.

Dear annoying Winnie the Pooh phone,

I hate you with every fiber of my being. You have tormented me for five days straight. I think I am suffering premature hair loss because of you. You better believe I will be calling you when I need a hair transplant. All you say is, "I shall like to call Piglet, please" over and over. Why is it just as amusing as the first time after the button has been pushed 29 times? Am I missing something, or are you trying to brain wash small innocent children? You don't even make a ringing noise, and Youre phone cord isn't long enough to hold the phone up to my ear. I didn't see a speaker phone button, either. So what am I supposed to do, idiot? Hold my face right up to the plastic piece of shit that haunts me with every "I shall like to call blah blah"?

I will continue to hate you until you run out of batteries. Or until I steal you and throw you out the car window going 100 mph. Who shall you like to call then, shit head?

You suck,

B

I'm sick of Candyland

How many times can you sneeze before it causes brain damage? I guess that's kind of like asking the ancient question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" No body really knows. All I know is that I just sneezed about 10 times in a 2 minute time span, and it gave me a head ache and maybe whiplash.

I think it's the effing cat that lives here at my aunts house. It's satan, and it hates me. Its the kind of cat that will wait underneath the sofa for someone to walk by, and then it jumps out and attacks the ankle of the passer-by. Stupid cat. My favorite animal is a dead cat. Wait, that was kind of dark. I didn't mean it like that. Ok, yes I did. I. Hate.Cats.

So, I keep burping and it tastes like oregano. My Mimi is an advocate for vitamins and other health-freakish supplements that make your pee a bright and happy shade of yellow. I have been sneezing and sounding like Pee-Wee Herman (minus the flashing of my weiner on TV) all day so she game me oregano in a pill form that is supposed to fight infection. Bull shit. The smell is like a blend of ass and fritos. Anyone hungry?

My cousin Allison, who is three, is running around demanding that everyone acknowledge her as Tigger. Last night she was walking around the living room with a breast feeding pillow (the shape of a half moon) around her head saying, "I'm a little flower." As cute as it was, I wondered if she knew how much baby throw up was on it.

This morning I woke up to the feeling of someone licking my foot. I freaked out. I looked down to the end of the couch and Allison was cracking up. I thought it was sick. She thought it was hilarious. How can licking a foot be amusing? It can't.

I come back on Friday. When I get home I will be all alone. The parents and grandparents will all be in Tulsa watching Lancer wrestle, and Ali will be at a cheer competition. No, I will not have any parties. I will stay with my buddy Lauren. My house creeps me out when I'm the only one in it. I must be going now. Children want me.

sneezing sucks,

Brittany Jonn

Oh man...

Last night kicked my ass. If last night was a ninja, he would have round-house kicked me in the face. Here's how it went:

• Got to 747 (bar/club) to eat before we begin the night
• People start showing up so we all flock to the bar
• First round of shots. Jager Blasters.
  
• Tecate with lime. Good shit. Oh, and a smoke.
• Hot boys. They like me and Kaylie. We like them back.
• Round of SOCO and Lime shots.
• Downed the rest of my beer.
  
• Asked for a water.
• Broke the seal (pee break).
  
• Dallas and his buddies show up.
• Round of SOCO and Lime shots.
  
• Then Buttery Nipple shots.
• Smoke break outside by the fire place.
• See the sexy ass husband of my friend Kristin.
• Talked to him while having another smoke.
• Followed him to see Kristin.
• Found Kaylie.
  
• Left 747
• Went to my buddy Zach's.
• Watched Wedding Crashers (that shits funny)
• Cap'n and coke.
• No more to drink.
• Euro Trip.
• Lots of water.
• Got home at 5:00 in the morning.
• There were bodies in my bed.
• Had to sleep on the couch.
• Woke up to little sister making something with her friends in the kitchen.
• Slept til 11:00.
• I'm dead.

Thanks to the advice of Mom and Tona all the water kept me from having the worst hang over of my life. Though, I still feel like dump and am not having one drink the rest of the weekend. I might have two. Just kidding. I think.

I'm leaving Oklahoma on Monday morning to go to Joplin, MO. I wont be back until Friday night. So, tonight will be spent with Lauren and Ryan probably watching movies and eating pizza rolls. Tomorrow I am going to the Hornets Vs. Lakers game. I'm excited about that!!! It is going to be so much fun. Ryan is awesome.

No, I'm not dating Ryan. We just hang out and he takes me to basketball games and tells me he likes me. We are "just friends."

Q: What did Kanye West get on his ACT?
A: BBQ Sauce.

I'll be here all week,
B