I'm sorry--I'm not always chipper

I lay in bed in the morning trying to convince myself to just get up. I spend more time doing this than actually getting something done. I wonder everyday what it would be like to lead a simple life. Though it seems simple in itself, it’s not that way in my head. In my head I lead a hard life. One no one would want to pursue. You look at me and think, “She’s happy,” or “She knows what she is doing,” but I don’t. I don’t know where I’m going. I feel as though I am traveling down a beaten path. It’s hard to figure out which way is right. Which way is right? I find myself thinking about this often. More times than anyone could possibly imagine. Self pity, you’re wondering? It could be that. In fact, it probably is.
My composition professor wants me to write an essay over who has changed my life the most. Is it awful that I can’t think of one? Is that selfish? I wish someone could change my life, at least a little. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think Lost Cause. Other times, I see a bright future. I see myself doing everything I want to do. Though, when it comes down to it, my dreams are the hardest to take hold of. They are the hardest for me to accomplish. Being with my friends and drinking the night away is so easy. Why are the wrong things so easy to do? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I picture an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Cliché isn’t it? The good voice if often the one I turn away from. Maybe it’s the easy way out. I sell myself short.
People have told me that they wish they could be me; Happy all the time; No worries. I wish deep down that I could say that I was the person everyone saw, but I only speak the truth. I often wonder why I am in the position that I am in. I have been in self denial for entirely too long. I have always figured that my life would just fall into place. Now, I see that I am running out of time. Some may laugh at that, but at the same time, those people who laugh are the ones telling me that life is short. I hope it isn’t too short.
I want to get my life together. I want to walk a straight line and be the person that I know I can be, but why can’t I do it? Why is it so hard? I need someone to slap me in the face and say, “This way Brittany. You took the wrong exit. Turn around and go the other way!” Maybe I am the one that will have to do it. I can’t rely on someone else to pave the roads of my life for me. It’s ridiculous to even think such a thing.